What Happens in a First Session with a Divorce Mediator?

By Ehsan Ali and Alnoor Maherali

So you’re getting a divorce and you’ve decided to do it via mediation.  Congratulations!  You’ve made a great choice for both your emotional well-being and your wallet.  But you might still be concerned about what the process will be like.  Even for a seasoned and sophisticated person divorce can be a new experience, and so can mediation.  These are things that will happen during your first session in divorce mediation.

At your first session, your mediator will go over a list of topics that you and your soon-to-be ex will have to cover during the mediation. This can be overwhelming as it is likely the first time each person becomes aware of the many issues that need to be resolved to finalize the divorce.  A skilled mediator knows this and patiently explains each item on the list to enhance your comfort.  Lists can vary among mediators, but good mediators will know all the topics that are required for an official divorce agreement in your jurisdiction. 

After a brief overview of the standard items, the mediator will ask if there are any other topics of discussion that are important to either or both of you.  Just because the list includes the necessary topics, it doesn’t necessarily cover everything required for your divorce agreement.  Pet custody, sperm/egg donations, and joint business ventures are just a few of the topics that may not be included on your mediator’s list.  But if there are topics like those that are critical to finding an agreement that works for both of you, you should use the first session to inform your mediator about them.

Now that you, your former partner, and your mediator are on the same page about the things that need to be covered, the mediator will walk you through some of the basics about the mediation process.  This is important because mediation is different from most situations we encounter in daily life.  The mediator will help you have productive conversations about topics that would ordinarily cause fights.  And though disagreements can still occur, the mediator will help to explore options to resolve them. The way a facilitative mediator does this is to listen to your concerns and work with you to find options that can work for you.  And then they’ll work to figure out which of those options could work for the other person as well.  Listen carefully to your mediator’s opening remarks about the process, and remember that the structure is in place to keep the conversation productive and moving forward towards a divorce agreement that satisfies as many of your needs as possible.    

Once you’ve walked through the steps of how the mediation will unfold and the necessary and important topics to be covered you’re ready to start the discussion and take the first steps into your future.  A future free from the relationship that wasn’t serving you or your ex- partner, and free from the anxiety of figuring out how you’re going to move forward.  Divorce is never easy, but it can be made easier through mediation.  Venn Mediation is based in New York, but we are experts in online mediation and can work with people anywhere. When you’re ready, let us help with your divorce.   

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